Thursday, September 6, 2012

10 Tips on Better Spray

If you’re reading this chances are that you’re not Alex Honnold, Tommy Caldwell, or Sasha Diguilian.  You’re probably just another slob desperate to be one of those great climbers.  Well there’s two ways to become that good at climbing- 1: Climb 60 hours a week for 20 years with special attention on diet and high intensity training. 2: Learn how to make yourself sound like them.  Here’s a few tips how to improve your spray-

Speak in the present tense.  This will make it sound like you are in the process or even providing beta from the side of the cliff.  "When I climb The Nose, I bring an extra one camalot." Nobody will notice that you did this once, 15 years ago instead they will think you've been climbing The Nose every week for the past decade.

Specialize your ascent.  Being the first to do something is always important. Even though 13,876 other climbers have sent the VFun boulder problem you’ve been projecting for years-highlight the fact that you’re the first Dude Of Undereducated Child Having Enthusiasts to do the problem. Specialize your ascent- Tell everyone you’re the first D.O.U.C.H.E to send it!  Remember that you want to start with the most important parts- that you’re the first person to climb Magic Light (now start mumbling) on a Saturday (now barely audible) with the last name Jordan (now in a total whisper) and first name Daniel. (feel free to change route name, day of the week, and ascentionist's name)

Lack Clarity.  This isn’t technically lying.  “I climb up to 5.14 on El Capitan.”  This is true I climb up to it- than I aid through it.  This makes people believe that I do indeed climb that hard. Also this relates well into the next tip.

Talk Big- Big grades, big routes, big everything. “I was on 5.14 on El Capitan.” When I use a grades like 5.14 and formations like El Capitan people become so awestruck with the grandeur associated with high climbing numbers and large formations that they won’t notice you just said on.  This relates to lacking clarity.  The word on could mean anything.  Dogging, aiding, rappelling, and even barely touching the route could all mean on. But hey, “I was on 5.14 on El Capitan”

Know your Vocabulary. If you intended to climb the route in a day but than epiced, had t shiver bivy on a ledge with no water, you just were on a push.  Same if you dogged the shit out of a route with the intention of redpointing. You just “felt the holds” The glass is always half full.

Emphasize the danger- So you’re ten feet off the ground on an 18-bolt top rope anchor.  Sounds to me like you’re in the death zone with suspect gear.  Hey, geriatrics regularly die from 3 foot falls and ropes and bolts do have a 1 in 100,000,0000 chance of breaking.

Hyphenate your adjectives- Add prefixes like mega, super, and classic with the suffix EST.  The 5.0 route you climbed is now the super-mega-run-outest route on the entire slab.  It is well known that adding the EST to anything makes it sound better.  Just try it. 

Climbing Grades are Subjective.  Uprate uprate uprate.  Soft 5.11d is close enough to 5.12-, which is the same as generally saying 5.12.  Boom! You just inflated your ego.  Great Success. This includes danger ratings, which are also highly subjective. One man’s pillow is another man’s jagged talus field.

Tell Everyone.  Believe it or not everyone wants to hear about your climb.  I do.  Definitely.  Making a solid group of subbies, I mean fans, who will promote your dribble.  Self-spray is weird but subcontracting your spray is good. Plus have you ever played the game Telephone? A ton of information gets lost as more people talk about you.  The details of the ascent become muddled so your 138th redpoint go but first try of the day becomes an onsight.  Yes!

You just read nine great tips on how to spray.  I doubt you even noticed that I didn’t have a tenth.  That's because I sprayed about having ten tips- you don't actually need to come through with what you say- it's just spray.  Now, you're on your way to become the next Alex Honnold. With my tips, you’ll be the hard man campusing the slab route at the local chossy crag. Get out there and SPRAY.